Normally I just exist. I rarely feel ‘happy’, but it has happened a few times in my life.
Thing is, every time I start to feel happy, something bad seems to happen within a few days or a week at most. So now, I try to avoid feeling happy. When I do feel happy, it triggers my anxiety because I worry that something bad is coming. And when the bad thing actually does happen, I’m not ready to deal with it.
I’m still trying to understand why this happens. It’s like the opposite of karma; I get punished when I’m happy because the universe doesn’t seem to want that for me.